I don't know about you, but I'm just about done in by all the political ads on TV and radio. You can't even watch the rugby seven's semi-final from Rio without the broadcast being interrupted by an advertisement for Joe Shmoe running for State Senate or Hermie Shlamiel telling you that Joe Shmoe is a lying dirt-bag.
So, I started thinking: what if SEC football coaches had to run for election. Even if it was one of those feel-good retention elections. You know the kind I'm talking about. The one where the incumbent is the only name on the ballot and the only choice the voter has is "Retain" or "Replace". (I bet if "Tar And Feather" was the third choice it would win in a landslide. But enough to of that.)
If coaches had to stand for election, what would their ads be? I think they might be something like this:
[Montage of newspaper headlines celebrating Tennessee football recruiting success]
Voice: "Under head coach Butch Jones, Tennessee football has enjoyed unparalleled success in recruiting. ESPN college football expert, Paul Finebaum even said, 'Tennessee has won as many national championships in June as Alabama has won in January'. "
[Cut to stock footage of players running through the Power T]
Voice: "And the Vols have been to more post-season bowl games in Florida than any other team in the SEC."
[Cut to footage of game action in Citrus Bowl]
Voice: "With the football program in such good hands, now is not the time to change for the sake of change."
[Cut to image of Coach Jones looking slightly up in profile, then turning to camera]
Voice: "Coach Butch Jones.......It doesn't get any better....really"
Voice2: "Paid for by the Central Florida Chamber of Commerce"
Or maybe this:
Radio Advertisement: "Coach Dan Mullen lives Mississippi State values. When a prized recruit faced criminal charges for sexual assault. Coach Mullen was the first person to speak out about how poorly the university administration handled the situation. And when the biased liberal media attacked Coach Mullen's family, he had the courage to speak out and place the blame where it belonged .... on the victim. ..... At Mississippi State, we want two things.... More cowbell and more Dan Mullen."
"Paid for by the Committee to Keep Dan Mullen, Nick Saban, treasurer."
Or this perhaps:
[Video of LSU Coach Les Miles]
"I'm Les Miles and this message approves of me."
"When I wake up in the morning and I turn that film on, it's like reading a book and it's exciting. I don't read books. But if I did read books that would be like reading a book."
"Yeah, we call that mulling around. Okay guys, come on now. What we're going to do early in this game is mull around. OK? And later we are going to call that monkey off our back play."
"There was a contact between a football player and a cheerleader, a male I might add. That male cheerleader clipped me from the side as I was running full speed, or slower than full speed, but generally in the upper quadrant of speed. And I hit the ground pretty hard."
"I got a championship football game to play, and I'm excited for the opportunity for my damn strong football team to play in it."
Voice2: Paid for by the Les Miles For Head Coach Forever Committee, Les Miles treasurer.
And, of course, this:
[Video opening shot of iconic Auburn University building; dissolve into panorama of wildly cheering crowd during a night game at JHS]
Voice of Pat Dye: "Gus is a Awbun man [video of Gus Malzahn on sidelines during game]
He called the two greatest plays ever seen on Pat Dye Field [quick cuts to 'Miracle Deflection' followed by 'Kick 6' ]
He took our Tigers to Pasadena and played for the national championship.
And when Will Muschamp lost his mind during last year's Iron Bowl, [video of Muschamp raging at officials while Malzahn stands by with arms crossed looking up at the score board] Gus kept his head in the game where it belongs.
[video of Pat Dye looking into camera] Gus is my kind of coach....that's why he's Awbun's kind of coach.....keep Gus in Awbun and keep it down home 'cuz."
Second Voice: "Paid for by Road To 17 PAC, not affiliated with any coach or coach's committee."
It won't be long.......
Roll Tide, Y'all.....
The Commissioner
