Happy New Year Grades

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The old guy with the long beard and walking stick wearing a sash across his toga that says "2011" has limped out the door replaced by the 2012 toddler with the top hat and bottle of bubbly.

So Happy New Year to all y'all!

Appropriate to the occasion, it's a fitting time to pause and take stock of the past twelve months and award some grades for the good and not so good happenings around the world of Alabama football; or as Our Corespondent From The Capstone might say: It's Alabama's World, everybody else is just living in it. So here's how I grade the year:

Southeastern Conference Expansion: A- Expansion of the conference was inevitable, and Texas A&M and Missouri were certainly the best two programs on the market from the effective demise of the Big 12. A&M haas historic ties to the Alabama program: we got Coach Bryant and Coach Stallings, the Aggies got Dennis Fran-phony. The long-standing rivalry between Arkansas and A&M also helps to integrate the Aggies into the league.

Mizzou on the other hand is a bit of a stretch. There's nothing particularly southeastern about Missouri, and do we really need another team of Tigers in the conference? Some pundits were predicting that FSU, Clemson, Georgia Tech, VPI or, God forbid, West Virginia would be the 14th team. Apart from Clemson, I prefer Mizzou over any of those inhabitants of the Island of Misplaced Toys.

The downgrade comes from the way the league central office chose to slot the newcomers into the existing divisions. Texas A&M in the West is a no-brainer, but rather than sticking Missouri in the East, I would have preferred either slotting Missouri in the West and moving Auburn to the East, or realigning the Conference along a North-South axis.

Other Conference Expansion/Contraction: C The Big 10, Pac 12 and SEC were beneficiaries of the demise of the Big 12. The Big East needs a new name. With member schools on both the Atlantic and Pacific coasts, they might be big, but they certainly aren't East. Maybe they could hold a contest soliciting suggestions for new names. Mine is The Continental Conference.

The BCS: B The haters went to tiresome lengths complaining about the Alabama-LSU rematch and how Oklahoma State "deserved" a chance to play for the Big Crystal Football. That chorus actually persuaded more poll voters than I expected, but by now everyone outside of Stillwater has acknowledged that the two best teams will be playing for the championship on January 9. A full grade reduction, however, is imposed for the persistent failure of the conference commissioners to reform the BCS structure. Had they not rejected out of hand the "Plus One" structure proposed by Mike Slive several years ago, the PAC 10 and Big 12 would have a chance to play into the final. As it is, the SEC is guaranteed to win its 6th title in as many years.

The Public Image Of The Game: F No matter where you look, 2011 was a disaster for the reputation of college football. Miami and Ohio State picked up where Southern Cal left off in the category of non-existent institutional control. The NCAA proved to be a paper tiger in the way it capitulated to the risible position advanced by Mike Slive in defense of Cam and Cecil Newton. The highest award for individual performance was bestowed upon an insufferable self-promoter.

But all of that pales in comaprison to the injury done by the crimes of Jerry Sandusky and the incomprehensible cover-up by Penn State. No community is immune to the kind of depravity practiced by Sandusky, but what makes the PSU situation so jarring is that it is antithetical to the virtues that are supposed to lie at the heart of the sport. The shameful behavior of coaches and administrators at State College stains the entire game.

The Auburn Program: D If Auburn football were a publicly traded stock, financial advisors would be recommending that investors head for the exists while there is still a market. Don't be fooled by the Tigers' domination of Virginia in the final game of 2011. Auburn is, at best a 7-5 program. The coaching staff is in disarray, recruiting is a shambles and at the end of the day, Auburn is still .... well, it's still Auburn.

During last night's Chik-fil-A Bowl, we had a family activity: identify ways in which Auburn and Virginia are different. Here's the Top 10:

10. At UVA "double wide" is a formation, not a dormitory.

9. UVA admission criteria for student athletes: 3.5 GPA. Auburn requirement: Can fog a mirror.

8. At UVA $180,000 buys a world-class education. At Auburn it rents a mule.

7. The average UVA player has attended more classes at Auburn than Cam Newton.

6. Average UVA player pulls a 3.3 GPA. Average Auburn player blows a .09 BAT.

5. At UVA they are all about the Cavs. At Auburn it's all about the calves.

4. Nobody is willing to take a $500,000 pay cut to leave Charlottesville.

3. Iconic building on UVA campus: The Rotunda. At Auburn, the Ag. Expo. Center.

2. At UVA it's an honor to live on The Lawn. At Auburn it's a necessity.

And the number 1 difference between UVA and Auburn:

1. If Thomas Jefferson had founded Auburn, he wouldn't want that carved on his tombstone.

Happy New Year.

The Commissioner