Auburn Grades

WVUR:

Shasta: ..... but we have not had a single call here at I Feel Your Pain since 10:00 pm last night. We have taken more than a hundred calls, excluding repeat callers, from members of our Vanderbilt community since the morning of November 9, and now for there to be total silence can only mean equipment failure.

Patrice: .... Let's check with our engineer.....Chad?.....Chad?....

Chad: ....  Yes, Patrice.

Patrice: What's the problem with our phone lines, Chad? Why are the phones not working?

Chad: ..... Uh.....nothing, Patrice....the phones are fine.

Shasta: But Chad, that can't be. Our community is in pain. This broadcast is an essential component of Vanderbilt's commitment to provide a safe place for members suffering from the traumatic events of the national election. Being off the air marginalizes those very people, and implicitly messages the blatant omni-phobia of Donald.....

Patrice: Sorry to interrupt, Shasta, forgive me, but it looks like we have a call...Travis, welcome to I Feel Your Pain, are you a first-time caller?

Travis: Uh.....yeah....I guess I am....

Shasta: How can we help you, Travis?

Travis: Well.....it's just.....I mean.....all the experts said this was the year. We were finally going to break through. Make a statement. You know what I mean?

Patrice: Oh yes, Travis, we know, and we feel it too.

Travis: All last summer, all the polls had us right where we wanted to be.

Shasta: So true, so true.

Travis: Mark May predicted we would win it all.

Patrice: Mark May? 

Shasta:  Daily Kos.....at least I think so.

Travis: Whatever. He wasn't the only one. Yeah we made mistakes, lots of close wins early on...

Patrice: Yes, Iowa was a win.

Travis: Iowa? What?

Shasta: It doesn't matter, Travis, what matters now is how we own our pain and use it to organize for action.

Patrice: We can all mourn this opportunity denied, but the arc of history bends towards social justice and cannot be denied.

Travis:  History? Sure, Kiffin, Dooley and Jones amount to a gigantic, historic dumpster fire, but 1998 wasn't that long ago....

Patrice: 1998?

Travis: Yeah, 1998. What else?

Chad: Ladies, I think Travis is a UT football fan. He's upset about ending the season getting beat by Vanderbilt last night. He probably can't get through on any of the sports talk shows.

Patrice: You mean we have been co-opted?

Shasta: And don't call us "ladies" you gender-aggressor, expect to hear from the Office of Inclusion as soon as I can file a written complaint with Patrice. More is expected from Vanderbilt students, Chad.

Chad: Belmont.

Shasta: What's that?

Chad: I go to Belmont, Shasta. This radio gig is just how I bank. 

Patrice: Consider yourself expelled, Chad.

Shasta: Can we get some muscle over here?

Chad: Don't bother. I'm done....anyway, the phone hasn't rung since last night, because all the undergrads have figured out how much fun it is to beat a rival.... you know.... someone you can't stand....somebody you live to hate....us versus them.....culture versus agriculture....our way of life is better than theirs. Get it?

Patrice: No.....no, I don't think I do....

Travis: Me neither.......

Rivalry games! It's what gets you through three days of Thanksgiving leftovers. It's that cathartic weekend of college football when, like medieval alchemy, a base and worthless season can be transformed into a golden year of bragging rights with a win, or conversely, when the sweetness of a championship run turns into bile by losing to that bunch of cheaters your socially awkward cousin pulls for.

Rivalry weekend 2016 was one of the best.....and could not have been better, for Alabama fans.

Well, maybe it could have been better if the Tide offense had not spent the second quarter trying to give the game away. In the second period, Bama's offense ran only 12 plays, surrendered two interceptions and punted once on a possession that netted 4 lost yards. The rest of the game was an impressive offensive performance. 

The defense? Oh. My. Word.

Nobody wants to play Alabama. All those "We Want Bama" signs you see on TV? You notice it's only people in the crowd holding them. Coaches and players around the country watch the Tide defense on game film searching in vain for a weakness to exploit. 

Consider the fruits of Gus Malzahn's firm study: Auburn's offensive stat line for the first quarter of the 2016 Iron Bowl; Total Offense: 1 yard. Net Yards Rushing: 5. Net Yards Passing: (-4); First Downs: 0; Third Down Conversions: 0 for 3; TOP: 2:21. As one wag observed, it's a good thing Malzahn is an offensive genius or else the Tires might have had a really hard time moving the ball. 

The final score: Alabama 30 - Auburn 12, with all Tiger points coming on FGs, mostly due to favorable field position from two Tide interceptions and giving up a long punt return.

That's 30-12 and the Tide defense preserved No-Touchdown November.

30-12. I just wanted to write that one more time, so here is how I grade the game:

Offense: B- Alabama gained 501 yards total offense [203 rushing] earned 26 first downs, converted 8 of 16 third down opportunities and 2 of 2 fourth downs, and controlled the ball for 40:29 of the game. 

Jalen completed 27 of 36 pass attempts for 286 yards, 2 TDs and 2 interceptions. His longest pass went for 39 yards. Ardarius Stewart completed a 12 yard pass for a first down.

Stewart was the leading receiver, catching 10 balls for 127 yards and a TD. The Tide offense is simply better with Stewart in the rotation than on the bench, so here's hoping he learned the lesson Coach Saban was trying to teach him with a one-game suspension. O.J. Howard earned 45 yards on 5 receptions, and Calvin Ridley added 44 yards on 5 catches. Damien Harris proved a reliable check-down passing option, catching 3 balls for 22 yards and a TD. Treyvon Diggs made 2 catches for 10 yards. Josh Jacobs, Gehrig Dieter and Cam Sims each made a catch. 

Bo Scarbrough led all rushers with 90 yards on 17 runs. Damien Harris added 47 yards on 9 rush attempts. Jalen ran the ball 12 times for a net of 37 yards and scored a rushing TD against a salty Auburn defense that surrendered few touchdowns on th ground. 

The offense had 11 possessions, 8 of those were drives that gained 40 or more yards [64, 55, 43, 59, 57, 64, 64, 58] producing 3 FGs, 3 TDs, an interception and the end of the game. That last possession is noteworthy. The Tide ran 15 plays, all on the ground, gained 58 yards, earned 4 first downs, and consumed the last 9:00 of the game. There was nothing Auburn could do about it. The video system in the Auburn team buses was showing other games in progress around the country, each one being a contest the Tigers would have preferred to be playing.

It was domination; an industrial strength skull-drag of a team that boasted one of the nation's best defenses. 

Defense: A+ Critics may claim the + is too generous, after all, the defense did give up a 55 yard pass from Josh Franklin to Eli Stove, and Coach Saban expressed a degree of frustration because everything Auburn did offensively was something Alabama had seen on film. Nevertheless, the stop-troops held the nation's fifth best rushing offense to a paltry total of 66 net yards, 7 first downs, and allowed only 2 conversions of 12 third downs. Auburn was held without a first down on each of its first 5 offensive possessions, did not have a drive that gained 40 or more yards until the third quarter and had only one possession in the game's final stanza; a 48 yard drive that ended in an interception on a desperate fourth down play.

Shaun Dion Hamilton was the leading tackler with 8 stops [2 solo]. Reuben Foster was also credited with 8 tackles [2 solo]. Ryan Anderson and Jonathan Allen each made 6 tackles. Minkah Fitzpatrick and Dalvin Tomlinson each made 4 stops.  All total, the defense made 7 tackles for lost yardage [1 sack], made 1 interception [Hamilton], broke up 5 passes and hurried the Tiger QB 7 times. 

Special Teams:

Punting: C JK Scott only punted twice, but averaged only 39.5 yards. The coverage team surrendered a 58 yard return, and the return team only made 8 yards. Granted, Trayvon Diggs had a big return nullified by the video ref in Birmingham, who between cheese nachos washed down with Oh-Be-Joyful, saw Tony Brown commit a targeting foul the entire on-field officiating crew missed. I am confident Gary Danielson had way too much to say about it. Fortunately, I was at BDS so I will leave it to Andy to address this further.

Place Kicking: A+ Griff was good from 29, 25 and 34, and perfect on 3 PATs.

Kickoffs: A Griff averaged 64 yards on 7 kicks, 5 of which were touchbacks. The coverage team allowed only 34 yards on two returns. The return team only attempted two returns [25 and 21].

Coaching: A The participation report lists 53 who saw action in the game. The Tide was penalized 4 times for 28 yards.

In the post-game presser, a reporter asked Coach Saban if he made any offensive adjustments at half time. "Did the second half look different to you?" Saban replied. Um.......that would be a "yes."

Asked how he coached Jalen through the miscues of the first half, Saban said he told him to not try so hard to make a big play on each down. Take what the defense gives you. Trust the play call. That certainly turned out to be great advice for the second half.

It was a spectacular day in Tuscaloosa. The weather was perfect for a fall football game. 

Here are a few superlatives for this rivalry weekend in Tuscaloosa:

Best T-Shirt:

  

Best elevator comment by a complete stranger:

"Yeah, that first quarter seemed like it would never end, but I bet that's how Auburn felt about the fourth quarter."

Best unintentional revelation:

Auburn student describing how he disclosed to his parents that he was not graduating as anticipated: "So I called my mom, and told her 'hey, this is great, I get another football season' and she said, 'I am not co-singing another [bleep] lease for you in Auburn, Alabama.'  "

Best use of orange and pineapple juice mixture:

The Yellow Hammer, at Gallette's on the Strip.

Best way to end a regular season:

Beating Auburn to go undefeated.

Most important game so far:

This coming Saturday in Atlanta against Florida for the SEC Championship.

Roll Tide, Y'all........

The Commissioner